DISQUS

Nicole · 9 months ago

this is great. i recently heard a song about this idea....it's pointing to the fact that marriage becomes something more beautiful when we let one another into our 'secret country.' you can download it for free here:
http://www.andyosenga.com/2008/09/16/letters-to...

i'm blogging at: http://burningbushes.org/

Charlie PA Tpk · 9 months ago

You were correct to honor your friends silent (but otherwise direct) request not to share that tidbit publicly. For all you know, there is much more beneath the surface that your friend and his wife are all too keenly aware of that you aren't privy too. They may actually be as close to each other as you are to your wife, and as such have an inside track to a story you know nothing about.

As close as your are to your wife (and my hat is off to you), I will wager there are things that you two share that you wouldn't want discussed with others; put yourself in his shoes for a moment - maybe your innocent comment would have hit far too close to a 'nerve' that ought not be touched. Maybe the 'shame' excuse was a convenient blind to disconnect further discussion outside of he and his wife. Maybe what you (and perhaps others) would call trivial would be a lot bigger to him.

Suzi~Q · 9 months ago

Communication, verbal and non, is the life blood of a good relationship! While every relationship may not feel the need to share everyTHING; regular, sincere and loving communication allows the connection to thrive.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.

Building Camelot · 9 months ago

I'll be the first to admit that I'm terrible at communicating. I know there are things that both my wife and I don't share and I'm not real sure how to rectify that.

Hayden Tompkins · 9 months ago

Honesty doesn't just mean telling the truth, but speaking up with the truth.

P.S. Hiding things from your spouse is bound to blow up in your face anyway since secrets almost never STAY secrets.

Laurie · 9 months ago

In the past I have not blatantly lied to my spouse but did omit certain things which is just as bad. I have found that the more secure I am in who I am, the further away I move for that past behavior. Before I wouldn't want to deal with certain reactions he might have to the information. Now I realize that his reactions, are his reactions and I am not responsible for them. If he can't handle the truth, then he need to figure it all out. It's not my job to keep things from him to protect him or me. He's a big guy and I'm not his mom and he can take care of himself. What a relief for me!

starrlife · 9 months ago

You like to communicate about difficult things? Can your wife rent you out?lol My husband has so much defensiveness and shame that he fudges the truth or keeps secrets about the silliest thing. This has led to many difficulties for us since I am a no secrets kind of gal and trust is hard for me. He always feels less than so I get accused of belittling him when I'm just asking a question like "Oh, you're working today? I didn't know that". Well, what's the big deal anyway kind of response! Well, it's not a big deal but I do like to know who is going to pick up my daughter today that's all! Anyway- thanks for another good post!

steph · 9 months ago

Sean,

I am proud of you! Congrats on this guest post, and a great one at that!

Writer Dad · 9 months ago

Nicole: I like that... our secret country. Well said actually. We all live our private lives, but by letting the person closest to us even closer we are widening the landscape of our existence.

Charlie: You are 100% correct with your statements. However, this friend is someone I've known for over 30 years, way way longer than he and his fairly new wife. In this particular context, I had a lot of information. Having said that, you are right, you can never truly know where someone else is coming from.

Suzi-Q: Exactly, it doesn't have to be like going into a confessional every evening, but communication does have to be a constant within the relationship or the slow degrading is bound to happen.

Building Camelot: Start slow and take baby steps. Just make sure you do them regularly.

Hayden Tompkins: Bury a secret and it will boil back to the surface when you least expect it.

Laurie: That's a fair point, Laurie. The more confident we are with ourselves, the easier it is to be straight up with our partners. When we begin to doubt ourselves it is easy to second guess what other people might think of us. Perhaps the reverse is true as well. If we don't care what other people think, then it will be simpler to find our honesty.

Steph: Hey, Steph. What a nice surprise to see you. Thanks for your compliment!