You know, it's nice to hear someone say that a married couple can be opposites and it can still work! My DH and I are opposite in almost every way possible - and we're still happy 99% of the time. Our values are very different - polar opposites! And we've had to learn to BOTH compromise on that. Sometimes, that's really not easy.
Food for thought, thanks Tim!
Sean
· 9 months ago
Great post. I would love to know how one can learn about his/her value. I wish you had referred us to a website or book which I could read more about the subject and find about my values. Thank you.
Roger - A Content Life
· 9 months ago
I've been married for almost 25 years and I recently wrote a post on constructing a content marriage. My wife and I definitely have some different values. The most important thing I learned was to let her values take her in the direction she wants to grow. It's not easy.
Tim Brownson
· 9 months ago
@ Sean - I actually have an e-book that includes the forms I use and an explanation of how I do it. It's only available until Wednesday when it will be pulled for good.
I have actually had a values analysis with Tim and it was like a bolt of lightening. That illuminating; that powerful.
After that I was like "DUH! No WONDER I have been struggling with this issue. It's TOTALLY opposed to my core values." I sort of kind of maybe had an idea of what they were, but I never really understood just how IMPORTANT they were.
After that, the idea that value conflict can lead to a lot of marital conflict makes a TON of sense.
Nicole
· 9 months ago
Tim, I appreciate your thoughts and the humility you suggest to employ in marriage and relationship. However, even the idea of respecting and tolerating others' values is a value in and of itself, right?
One values tolerance and the lack of an absolute right or wrong. The other values the idea of absolute truth and an agreed upon sense of right and wrong...what do you do in that case?
The idea of humbly considering one anothers' values is crucial. But the assertion that no value is better than the other is an argument that defeats itself...because the assertion is a value too.
To me, the better way is to work together in marriage to understand each others' values best enable us to love each other and our neighbors well...and seek to discover what new values will result from our union together.
@ Nicole - I'm not completely sure I understand what you're driving at, but I'll have a got at answering.
Yes there needs to be a level of tolerance and of course that can be described as a 'value.' I think it's unlikely that anybody would enter into a marriage where there was no tolerance because that would also intimate there was no respect either. Not saying it doesn't happen but it throws much of what I'm saying out of the window.
To say that no value is better than another, is not a value, it's simply a presupposition. Unless you accept that, then can you never look at other peoples values without judging them.
Laurie
· 8 months ago
Wow! Is it happy hour around here? I'm getting my two favorite blogs at the same time and for no extra charge!
Why would someone think they would have the same values as their spouse? The two people don't have the same DNA, the same experiences, or come from the same family. To think a hub and a wife should have the same values sounds insecure to me. Can't I be good with my values and myself AND think my hub is ok with his? Now there are some deal breakers like if I value monogamy but he values the variety pack but unless the values contradict each other making life impossible, then knowing and learning from someone with different values as yours can help you grow up, I would think.
Tim, I was proud that you controlled your language on Corey's blog. You can talk about sex all you want here but no cussing! he he he ;-)
Pearl Mattenson
· 8 months ago
So while I agree with so much of what you say about values, I do have a slightly different perspective. I think there are values that belong to the relationship- that show up in the relationship system. The kind of thing you might find when you ask yourselves the question, "Who are we?" and "Who are we not?" I have been trained by the Center for Right Relationship and there are some novel ways of thinking about couples that are worth looking at www.centerforrightrelationship.com
Sarah
· 8 months ago
I love this, Corey - Most of us are trained to think - from every bit of information we get and have always gotten - that what we "have in common" is the most important thing. And the truth is - we hardly EVER have what we think we have in common, and it doesn't matter anyway. If Matlin and Carville can be happily married - then surely this commonality thing is overrated. Seems to me that certain values are crucial, though - honesty, willingness to talk and listen about how people are feeling in the relationship, solving problems - and some similarities in energy patterns that are nearly impossible to quantify. Thanks for opening this discussion. Sarah
Tracy
· 8 months ago
Hi Tim! I enjoyed this post, mostly because it gave me the warm fuzzy feeling of being right. My husband and I certainly do not have exactly the same values in the same order but it works because we're pretty accepting of each other. And I'm not sure if it's by luck or what, but none of our values directly conflicts, which makes it easier.
We do disagree on a lot of matters, but it would be boring to be married to myself, wouldn't it?
Mary Ann Crossno
· 8 months ago
I think that one reason people flap around without knowing what their values are is because they are unclear about what a value is. As a result, we confuse values for principles, and fight over preferences.
A principle is a truth - a fundamental belief - that lays the foundation for other truths. Principles shape our values. Values are the building blocks for principles. Values often change with cultural changes, whereas principles are timeless.
If my foundation is a belief that relationships have a purpose, and that purpose is to shape me into a better person, I’m going to value the experiences that push my growth. I may not like those experiences, but my principle belief will allow me to appreciate the opportunities to accomplish my purpose.
If my foundational principle is that relationships have no purpose other than to fulfill my wants and desires, I’m going to value changing partners in order to accomplish my purpose.
We are often uncomfortable when we encounter someone who not only knows his/her principles, can define the values that express those principles, and then live according to both!
John
· 8 months ago
Let's suppose you have differing values on just about everything "controversial". I mean, everybody shares values about being kind and the golden rule, etc....I expect everybody would share those values anyway. But what if you disagree on politics, religion, abortion, together time v. alone time, diet, fitness, entertainment, music--you share no common ground on matters of opinion or taste. What do you focus on to keep that sort of a relationship together, or is it one that is really doomed to failure or unhappiness anyway?
Tim Brownson
· 8 months ago
@ Pearl - I certainly don't disagree that there maybe joint values within a relationship.
@ Mary Ann - You know, I really don't get that at all. When I read Steve Pavlina's book I was the same way. The principles you talk of are concepts to my mind. There is no definitive 'Truth'. Not one that can be explained anyway. I prefer the Buddhist philosophy with this "If you can describe or explain truth then that isn't it"
OTOH, I'd love to read more and if you can point me in the right direction I would be grateful.
@ John - Firstly, in my experience not everybody does share the values you talk of, but that's beside the point.
If you are completely opposed on ALL major values, then I think it's unlikely you'd ever get married in the first place to be honest. I guess Corey is better qualified to answer that question than I am if I'm being honest.
John
· 8 months ago
@ Tim: Unlikely, maybe. Impossible, no....this I can assure you from experience :)
All Comments
Food for thought, thanks Tim!
There's a link at the bottom of this post http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/... if you're interested.
After that I was like "DUH! No WONDER I have been struggling with this issue. It's TOTALLY opposed to my core values." I sort of kind of maybe had an idea of what they were, but I never really understood just how IMPORTANT they were.
After that, the idea that value conflict can lead to a lot of marital conflict makes a TON of sense.
One values tolerance and the lack of an absolute right or wrong. The other values the idea of absolute truth and an agreed upon sense of right and wrong...what do you do in that case?
The idea of humbly considering one anothers' values is crucial. But the assertion that no value is better than the other is an argument that defeats itself...because the assertion is a value too.
To me, the better way is to work together in marriage to understand each others' values best enable us to love each other and our neighbors well...and seek to discover what new values will result from our union together.
What do you think?
I blog at www.burningbushes.org
@ Nicole - I'm not completely sure I understand what you're driving at, but I'll have a got at answering.
Yes there needs to be a level of tolerance and of course that can be described as a 'value.' I think it's unlikely that anybody would enter into a marriage where there was no tolerance because that would also intimate there was no respect either. Not saying it doesn't happen but it throws much of what I'm saying out of the window.
To say that no value is better than another, is not a value, it's simply a presupposition. Unless you accept that, then can you never look at other peoples values without judging them.
Why would someone think they would have the same values as their spouse? The two people don't have the same DNA, the same experiences, or come from the same family. To think a hub and a wife should have the same values sounds insecure to me. Can't I be good with my values and myself AND think my hub is ok with his? Now there are some deal breakers like if I value monogamy but he values the variety pack but unless the values contradict each other making life impossible, then knowing and learning from someone with different values as yours can help you grow up, I would think.
Tim, I was proud that you controlled your language on Corey's blog. You can talk about sex all you want here but no cussing! he he he ;-)
We do disagree on a lot of matters, but it would be boring to be married to myself, wouldn't it?
A principle is a truth - a fundamental belief - that lays the foundation for other truths. Principles shape our values. Values are the building blocks for principles. Values often change with cultural changes, whereas principles are timeless.
If my foundation is a belief that relationships have a purpose, and that purpose is to shape me into a better person, I’m going to value the experiences that push my growth. I may not like those experiences, but my principle belief will allow me to appreciate the opportunities to accomplish my purpose.
If my foundational principle is that relationships have no purpose other than to fulfill my wants and desires, I’m going to value changing partners in order to accomplish my purpose.
We are often uncomfortable when we encounter someone who not only knows his/her principles, can define the values that express those principles, and then live according to both!
@ Mary Ann - You know, I really don't get that at all. When I read Steve Pavlina's book I was the same way. The principles you talk of are concepts to my mind. There is no definitive 'Truth'. Not one that can be explained anyway. I prefer the Buddhist philosophy with this "If you can describe or explain truth then that isn't it"
OTOH, I'd love to read more and if you can point me in the right direction I would be grateful.
@ John - Firstly, in my experience not everybody does share the values you talk of, but that's beside the point.
If you are completely opposed on ALL major values, then I think it's unlikely you'd ever get married in the first place to be honest. I guess Corey is better qualified to answer that question than I am if I'm being honest.